There is nothing I want more right now than a big old glass of white wine. And a cookie. And, really anything besides a steamed vegetable and my digestive “drink.” But, I digress.
This week has been hard. Really hard. Much harder than I expected- both emotionally and physically.
Before I get into all of that, let me rehash what exactly I did this week….
Starting on Monday, I started an elimination diet to discover what exactly my food intolerance is. *This diet is medically supervised and I am working closely with a doctor. Please do not try this alone or without medical supervision!
Every day, I am allowed unlimited quantities of ONE steamed vegetable and three servings of ultraclear renew- a “shake” that aids the liver in detoxification. The purpose of this week is to scrub out the system and help the liver get rid of any toxins that I have swirling around.
Here’s what I’ve noticed:
- Day 2 was by far the hardest. I was STARVING, light-headed, and didn’t know if I could do it. It was also super emotional (more on that later)
- I’ve realized how much I was eating outside of meal times. It’s clear to me that part of the reason I put on some extra weight is because of all of the grazing I was doing (off my kids’ plates, grabbing a hit of chocolate when I came home from work, handful of cereal here, a few goldfish there, etc.)
- Going to bed hungry is hard, but I can do it.
- I MISS exercise. I haven’t done any workouts for obvious reasons, but I can’t wait to build them back in next week.
- I have a food intolerance to carrots. Man oh man. Today was carrot day and I knew immediately that I have an intolerance to the orange vegetable. (for those of you wondering, gas, cramping, diarrhea, stomachache)
- Chicken and almonds have never sounded so good!
- I feel kind of sad. There is no joy in eating. It is simply to feel full. I love vegetables, but please give me some fat and protein.
- Days 3 and on were pretty good! I was surprisingly clear headed and had enough energy to do whatever I needed to do throughout the day!
- I’ve been sleeping 8-9 hours a night (not my typical)
Besides those parts, one of the hardest parts for me this week has been the emotional aspect of this. Every day I wake up with a ton of questions:
What if this doesn’t work? What if this hurts my business? What if people are judging me for gaining weight? What if this is somehow all my fault? Why wasn’t I more disciplined before? Why didn’t I have the same willpower as I did in years past? What do people think of me?
A lot of this is old ED (eating disorder) thinking. I took a ton of pride in the “discipline” I had to not only eat healthy, but workout so that I could keep my weight under “control.” There was a sick source of pride in feeling like I was “skinny” and a big part of me still believes that I only offer value if I look a certain way or weigh a certain number.
What a lot of people don’t understand about EDs is that you can get to a healthy weight, but the thinking behind what got you sick takes years and years to work on. In fact, I’m not sure if I’ll ever “arrive,” but instead have accepted the fact that it’s always something I’ll have to be aware of and work on.
And, believe it or not, I REALLY don’t want to share this with all of you. I want to hole up, isolate, and keep everything I’m doing a secret. Partly so that I won’t be judged and partly so that I can give myself an out if I want to.
But here’s what helps- if by sharing this at all can help anyone- anyone who is struggling with hormonal weight gain or adrenal fatigue, anyone who has just struggled in general in reaching that point where she knows that a change HAS to happen, anyone who just needs to know that she’s not alone in feeling frustrated and scared with what her body is doing, anyone who has started and stopped a million times , or anyone who has gained the weight and lost it and gained it again- then I’m okay.
So, dear readers, that’s it. If I’ve learned anything this week it’s that I can do hard things. And so can you.