Why you can’t make a change (yet)…

Why you can’t make a change (yet)…
This lsat year was hard for many many reasons.
It started with a chronic running injury that wouldn’t heal.  Running had always been my escape- my addiction- my healthy “drug” and having it taken away was beyond stressful for me.  So, I would eat to deal with that stress.  And then I gained weight.  And that made me feel terrible and worthless and like a big fat phony.
Then I got pregnant unexpectedly and lost the baby 2 weeks later.  I felt as if my body was failing me on every front.  You can’t heal.  You can’t stay pregnant.  You can’t even keep babies in until their due date.  The negative narrative committee  had moved in.  And it was here to stay.
It was if all day long my mind was consumed with thoughts around how unworthy I was, how bad I was at everything I did, how I didn’t deserve A, B, and C.
And so instead of dealing with THAT, I tried to force my body to make the changes that I thought would make me happy (an unhealthy coping mechanism for me that stems back to my ED days).  If I could just run I would feel better, I would think.  If I could just lose 10 pounds, I would be happy. If you could just have more discipline you wouldn’t be dealing with this spare tire.  If you could just…
There were times when I literally wanted to crawl out of my skin and out of my mind.
But the thing was, all that self-hatred and restriction only backfired.  I didn’t lose weight.  I would try and run and re-injure myself.  I would stress eat more.  I would feel worse.  The negative narrative committee got louder and louder
So I started reading.  I read books like You are a Badass and The Secret and You Can Heal Your Life.  These books were telling me that I was perfect.  I was beautiful. I did deserve good things.  And they also all had one common thread: our thoughts become our feelings and our feeling become our actions and our actions become our lives.
I had to change my thinking before I could change my life.
So I “tried on” affirmations.

You are okay. I would tell myself when my stomach fat poured over my jeans. You are loved. I would say when I literally wanted to crawl out of my skin. You are here. I would say when my mind would race down wormholes of what ifs and should ofs.

You are okay. You are loved. You are here.
And then, when those felt comfortable and real. I tried on new ones.
There is something somewhere that loves you more than you can imagine. You’re that perfect. I would say when feelings of unworthiness and guilt consumed me. You’re at the weight your body needs you to be right now, I would say when I was tempted to step on the scale and berate myself. You’re a good mom.  You’re doing the best you can, I would say when mom guilt crept in.
You are perfect. You’re where you need to be. You are loved.
And then, the hardest one. You are worthy. You deserve good things. I would say this again and again and again.  You are worthy. You are worthy. You are worthy.
This one I’m still trying on, but I’m backing it with action. I’ve invested in someone to help me (to show myself that I deserve help too).  I’ve been open with my husband about needing time for myself to recoup (and he has been so supportive).  I’ve said no and not felt badly about it.  I buy books at Target and read before bed (trashy ones ;)).  I **try** and look at food as a way to nourish instead of a form of punishment or as a stress reliever.  I make time for me.

And all those things I was worried about and trying to force to make happen?  They’re starting to.  I’m starting to heal.  I’ve lost some weight.  I’m feeling better.  I’m sleeping.  I’m more present for my girls.

The thing is this- as much as we want to make changes or know that we “should,” sometimes we’re not in the headspace to do it.  If you don’t feel worthy to make a change, you will subconsciously sabotage yourself again and again and again.  Some things are so deep seeded and need to be worked through before they can be worked on.

So in case you need to hear it today-

You are loved.
You are perfect.
You are where you need to be.
You are worthy.